First Post

November 10, 2005

Welcome to Slovakia. I'm posting a few previous posts that I didn't post here. This should be fun because I've been sending messages, without Images, but now I can consolidate.

See below:
First 6 Months
Of course the reason I left New York was Milan. The best thing that ever happened to me. Of course. But I didn't have to go to Slovakia. We could have done the immigration thing just like everyone else.

Sometimes I think that I left New York because it was too hard for me. It's so hard to know one's true motives. I was slowly wearing down. My path was never easy and it took a toll on me. My energies were depleting. My friends were moving away from me. I came there too late in life. I was too well formed before I got there. My life was evaporating, and my desire to maintain it was waning.

One might say I left because I was afraid - afraid of what New York was doing to me, what it might do to me, what I was going to do without that energy and ambition I once had, stagnation.

Or one might say I left because I wasn't afraid. This place, Slovakia, isn't just "najlepsi zabava" (big, fun, the best party). After evaluating the reasons for why I MIGHT have left New York, sometimes I think that the only quality I have left to recommend me is my bravery. I am so limited in my physical activity right now. My energy is sapped by illness, injury, weakness and translating everything all the time. I do very little. I have not regained my ambition. I'm getting hit with the big, ugly "life stick". My path is not easier here; it's just different. I'm waiting to recover and then move forward again. Everyone gives me a year before I start to get it together.

I tend to desperately cling to the idea that I'm here because I'm NOT afraid. I'm not afraid of being poor, loneliness, change, isolation, failure, illness... All of these touch my life every day, and I accept them by choice because I desire deeper knowledge of my husband and of the world. I desire to see the world from another view. On a conscious level, I desire to live my life fully, without fear.